Fat and Mean: The Ronald ShinRa Story
by ProfessorHojotheGEN-I-US
Summary: This is a story about a day in the life of the original President ShinRa that I have so lovingly called Ronald.


A/N: This is a story about the not so fabulous Ronald Shin-Ra. I don't own any of the characters made by Square Enix. The only ones I own are the old janitor and a couple of others who died. I don't own Cheerio's, Coke, or Pepsi either.

Ronald: The Original President of Shin-Ra

Ronald wasn't a particularly well liked president. It may be due to the fact that he was just not a good man overall. Not much is known about this president besides the fact that he had a son named Rufus, a scientist named Hojo, and a top Soldier named Sephiroth who he ultimately lost his life to. But this story will go into the mind of Mr. Ronald Shin-Ra and find out what makes him tick. Well, it won't go _that_ deep, but it'll unearth if Ronald was as bad of a president as everyone thought he was. The answer will probably be yes, but what the Hell in trying right.

Ronald Shin-Ra would wake up every morning to his state-of-the-art person alarm clock. Only, it wasn't really an alarm clock it was more of a ...normal person. They'd have to stay awake all night and alert him when the clock reached 5:30 A.M. Any sooner or later and the person would have their hands dipped in acid, their feet sliced bit by bit, and knives thrown at their genitals. Obviously, it wasn't a pretty picture and only one man ever failed. He woke Ronald at 5:29. We shall always remember Mike, the poor soul. Anywho, after being awoken by a frightful, timid voice, Ronald would stalk off to the kitchen naked to sit down and have his first cup of coffee out of 7. Rufus would usually be there, waiting to be home schooled or such and say, "Eww, Papa, must you come to the table naked everyday?! You are fat and blocking the T.V.!" Ronald would then proceed to say, "Vote for Shin-Ra! Oh wait, _you have to!_"and Rufus would not be in the least bit fazed since he knew his father was never really awake until 6:00 and anything he said before that was a bunch of gibber-jabber. He would then proceed to throw Cheerio's at the man's balding head wishing all the while that his father's fat girth would break the floor causing him to fall to the bottom and splatter. Of course this never came true, as we all know, and Rufus continually suffered with his daddy. Too bad.

After his 7th cup, Ronald would then be prepped for his sponge bath and his clothes for the day would be neatly laid out. He did nothing for himself. He didn't brush his teeth on his own, he didn't eat on his own, nothing. The guy was a fat lazy slob pretty much. What's worse, the people of Midgar could watch this travesty on the reality show "President Shin-Ra gets ready for work!" It didn't have very high ratings...ok, it didn't have any viewers at all, but it was all that was on from 4:00 to 12:00 in the morning. They showed reruns of course.

If there was one thing Ronald did to improve the city of Midgar, it was that he was fuel efficient. In fact, he used little to no fuel at all. The alternative, however, was that he got to work on a man drawn carriage. He had about four men everyday pull him to work and if they didn't make it by the time he had to be there, he would have their legs amputated and throw them into front of a train. It was quite inhumane, but, because the people who worked for Shin-Ra didn't want to suffer such unfortunate deaths, no one did anything about it. Well, accept for the "common" people. Needless to say, they aren't around today. Bless their hearts.

After he arrived at work, Ronald would go straight for the snack machines to pick up his mid-morning snack. This usually consisted of one of everything in the machine including a regular Coke and a diet Pepsi. He then had one of the numerous workers wheel it all up to his office. They couldn't use the elevator because Ronald feared that "hungry nobodies would take them for themselves". So the poor employee would wheel it upstairs and go back to their daily routine. That is, if the president didn't want entertainment first. I won't go into the specifics, but there was a mini skirt involved as well as a chair, flaming juggling torches, and a mouse trap. Think on that for a while.

After the excitement settled down, Ronald would actually begin to do some work.. This included signing papers and approving countless requests. Of course, this lasted only about an hour and then he'd be back down to grab some more food. It's hard work signing all those papers you know. About mid-day, Ronald would call a meeting with all of his personal Turks to get briefings and to get an insight as to the jobs that had to be done. "Sir" Tseng would say, "The missions assigned to the Turks are being completed as fast as possible. I have Reno and Rude working on getting a cat out of a tree and then kicking it so it never climbs up it again, and the other squads are doing jobs quite similar to this. Also, I was just wondering Sir...when will we get to do some less irritating work?" And Ronlad would say, "Tseng, my boy, the work you're doing is plenty important, but...I do have a _special_ job for you." Tseng didn't know whether to be ecstatic or completely horrified. Regardless, he just had to accept the job. "I'll accept the job." "Good!" exclaimed the President.

Tseng's "special" job was to take Rufus out to the mall and buy him whatever he wanted. Needless to say, it was a horribly stupid job. Rufus was known throughout the company as "The President's Little Problem" and no one could stand to look at him, let alone be around him. Now, Rufus wasn't ugly, obviously, but he was a major pain in the ass. He was mean to all of Shin-Ra's employees because he could be. Tseng did not have a good day.

Now that Ronald didn't actually have to interact with his son, he had some more time to sign those papers. He wasn't alone, however, because he called in some nameless Turks and had them help. So the work that should've taken hours only took a couple of minutes. It was the only time that the president worked fast and efficiently. Then it was lunch time.

For lunch, Ronald would have a helicopter fly in his food which usually consisted of lobster, 10 rolls, a platter of shrimp, 5 cups of tea, a cup of butter, a large T-bone steak, a large garden salad, french fries, a chocolate smoothie, and 7 mints for afterwards. He would eat this all in record time and have the old, frail janitor come clean it up. The janitor was about 98 and couldn't really lift anything that weighed more than a feather. It was quite sad and the only reason the man complied was because he was signed to a contract and didn't want to be killed by breaking it. Of course, being as old as he was, he was close to dying anyway, but he had never not completed a contract in his whole 98 yeas of living. "Youngins' these days," he'd say, "never have no sense of _duty_." So the crazy yet overly weak janitor continued to do his degrading job for a few more minutes. He then ran into the president accidentally and all of the bones in his body crumbled and he sank to the floor in a puddle of wrinkly flesh and tears. Sad stuff here people. A new janitor was called in. A young spriteful lad in his early 20's ready to start his life. Little did he know that his life would be Shin-Ra from now on. Poor fool.

Ronald would then call a meeting between all his favorite advisors, scientists, and people in general. These meetings consisted of Scarlet, Heidegger, Palmer, Reeve, Hojo, Sephiroth, and himself. When they meet, they talked of all the ways to "improve" Shin-Ra and such. Sephiroth briefed on the soldiers, but, besides that, really had no point. One would speculate that he made the room prettier and smell better. Much like a scented candle in human form. Whatever his reason, they were all in that meeting office with the stinky vent. You know the one. The one that Cloud could see into just by standing next to it cause it looked like it had no ceiling but you know it did because how else would there have been a vent able to look down into the room if there hadn't of been? Mind boggling.

"Kya haha!" Scarlet would laugh, "Shin-Ra seems to be doing nicely!" "Gya haha!" Heidegger would also laugh, "It sure does!" "Hey-Hey!" Palmer would ... laugh? "What they said!" It was a pointless exchange, but they did it every time. Reeve would usually say something like: "What's wrong with you people?! The streets of Midgar become dirtier by the day because the garbage man isn't doing his job, there's more pollution in the air due to the enormous amount this company uses on it's own, hospitals are becoming too filled, which, interestingly enough, is no surprise because there are only 5 rooms per 3 hospitals, flu season is coming and there are not enough shots for everyone let alone _anyone_, and the amount of mako used everyday is astonishing!" Then everyone would just look at Reeve and start laughing. Well, everyone besides Sephiroth. He usually would just look at Reeve with an intense glare and flip his hair a little. "Oh Reeve", the president would say, "don't be so _dramatic_." Poor Reeve would then sit down, defeated, and only respond if he was talked to directly.

"To continue my research", the creepy professor would interject, "I'll need more human specimens to experi- I mean "test" on." "Sounds like a plan to me", the president would stupid, "Sephiroth. Are there any soldiers suitable for testing?" "I suppose there are a few," he began, "that may be used for your sick experiments, Hojo, rather than training to be a soldier." The calmness in Sephiroth's voice was always there so they could never tell if he was being funny, sarcastic, nothing. But Hojo ignored the comment anyway and said, "Thank you." **"One day Sephiroth", Hojo thought to himself, "One day you will learn who your _real_ father is! HeheHAHAHA!!!"** Hojo never really kept the laughter in his head so everyone just thought he was crazy. Which he was, but, crazier. It was by this time that Rufus would come stalking in the room. "Papa!" he would scream, "I am tired of Tseng and demand a replacement for his sour attitude!" The president merely sighed and would say, "Oh, Rufus, Daddy's working. How about if I buy you a pony after work. Would that make you happy?" "Father, I have 12 ponies already! I don't _want_ anymore!" Rufus would then stomp his foot loudly andsit on the ground holding his breath. "Come now son," the president would say, "I'll buy you whatever you want if you stop doing that." But he would continue to hold his breath. "Please" the president would say. This usually went on until Rufus passed out and was shipped off back to his room. The "meeting mood" would then be broken and it was usually dismissed then.

President Shin-Ra would then say goodbye to everyone by giving the men handshakes and the women hugs. Sephiroth was the exception and he got a hug too. None of the other men were jealous of this, for obvious reasons, and poor Sephiroth had to take a huge "bear hug", if you will, for about 3 minutes. After the hug, Sephiroth would go into the high tensity shower and have his clothes sterilized. "He'll get what's coming to him," Sephiroth would say in blind anger and disgust.

Ronald would then proceed to have dinner in his office, which, I don't even need to tell you, was a large amount of food that no one person should ever, _ever_ eat alone and then he would wrap it up for the day. After he got home, Rufus would usually be up playing some idiotic video game that was very loud and he would ask his father where his pony was. Ronald would say that his temper tantrum caused him not to get a pony and then Rufus would cry. He cried so much that Ronald finally gave in and they went and bought him a pony right then and there. After returning home, Ronald would sit and read in the paper about how cool he was. It's true. There was an article titled, "President Shin-Ra is SO COOL!" and another titled, "Man, What a Great President!" So he read these skipping all the local and state news and got ready for bed. Well, he didn't get ready, some other people got him ready for him and he went to bed. Rufus usually wanted a bedtime story so Ronald would read to him about the Stock Market and Rufus would fall asleep happily with his teddy bear curled in his arms. "Another day, another couple thousand dollars," Ronald would say, "Man, it's good to be me."

The president's life went on for a few more years until, one day, Sephiroth just got so mad from those hugs, and from the whole Jenova thing of course, and he finally killed him. No one went to his funeral and the only thing that lived on was the destruction known as Midgar that he left behind. Obviously, from reading this, you have come to the conclusion that Ronald was a mean guy. And not a particularly bright person at that. If you did happen to find him a very upstanding kind of a guy then you must be Mister Ronald Shin-Ra yourself. Or, you may just think crazy, fat guys are the nicest things in the world. Whatever the reason, Ronald is dead and everyone is a lot better off for it. What an ass.

– The End –

Thank you for ready about the life of one Mister Ronald Shin-Ra. I hope you enjoyed it and if didn't, well, that's just too bad I suppose.


End file.
